What it’s like being a fat girl with an eating disorder…

“You can’t possibly have an eating disorder, maybe an over eating disorder.” Something I’ve heard quite often from unaware people. People with “good” intentions just trying to point out I’m fat and that the reason I’m fat is because I love food. They don’t seem to understand how much of a struggle it is for me, for women like me. Big or small women who suffer in silence because unaware people seem to know just how they work and just how to overcome them.

“You just need to exercise more, and not be so lazy. You need to just eat proper foods.” I hear them singing to themselves like they somehow don’t seem to know that those words are deadly to someone like me. Someone who’s life consists of avoiding mirrors. Someone who exercises 4 times a week, doesn’t eat over 1500 calories, and still manages to take care of three children.They see a fat person staring back at them because she doesn’t want to take care of herself. I see my worst enemy.

I see someone who’s emotion is directly tied with the foods she loves. That one bad day could turn into an epic binge that could last days, weeks, months. That when I become so entirely health obsessed I cry more because my pictures all look the same, even if I’ve lost 10,20,50lb. They have such good intentions. “Be patient with your body it will come.” But, they don’t live with the constant battle inside their head. One day you’re fitting better into your tight leggings and the next your brain screams “check the scale, you’ll surely have lost” only to step on the scale and sabotage yourself. Your brain doesn’t work the same as their does. Your brain and Food is constantly the enemy.

You can eat completely healthy, exercise an hour a day, take 10k steps and none of it matters. You spend your time alone. Not because you want to be alone but because all your other friends want to eat foods that trigger your binges. Not because you want to feel utterly depressed but because you get constant stares and whispers. I don’t even want to keep track of how many whispers I’ve gotten because I’m a fat girl. Even though they don’t know I have been working my ass off to be healthy. It’s only the size they see.

I struggle everyday to tell myself that size means nothing. The number on the scale is just a number. That what I’m doing it working. Just trust the process…. Just fricken trust the process. But, how do you trust the process when your brain is broken. How do you trust it when all these “well intentioned” people are shoving their non-helpful advice down your throat. You can’t be a fat girl with an eating disorder… Oh no, because then people would have to admit that they have no clue and their “good intentions” are just an escape goat to fat shame.. 

For anyone reading this, you’re better than those dark thoughts in your head. You’re stronger than that loud voice screaming at you, trying to dictate your worth to you. You don’t have to suffer in silence. I’m here for you, I know all too well.Don’t tell me that I’m just a fat girl with a food problem. If you knew the demons I faced daily on this journey you wouldn’t survive.